So you've heard the following words

" I have been thinking about us, and I don't think we should date anymore"

Okay, these are the words that I was told by an ex.  After a month of fighting about completely nothing, I heard the words that made my heart drop.

"It's not you, it's me.  I'm too immature to be in a relationship right now"

Now instead of accepting what was being said, I went into beg/plead/anger mode.  I told him how things were rough lately but if we put in more effort, then we could pull through.  I could hear the hesitancy on the other end.  Then I finally said what pulled the plug: "Are you sure that  you don't  want to work things out?"  To which the ex said: "We wouldn't be having this conversation if that was the case."

The Official break up.

J and I had been dating for a year then, after being friends for 5 years.  He and I had connected instantly back then, and we had our fights along with good times.  A few months before this, he had introduced me to his parents and things started to get more serious.  Then the fights, the lack of communication.  We started to spend a lot less time together and it seemed like I was pulling teeth to get his attention when it never took me effort before.  Until I looked back, I didn't realize that he was trying to get me to break up with him. 

Now, instead of accepting the truth and understanding that the relationship had been dead for weeks, I did the following.   Which are the things that YOU SHOULD NOT DO
  • Argued: One of the classic ways to help save a future relationship in any stance is to agree with the "dumper".  I however, decided to let him know exactly how I felt about the situation at that time.  Readers, this part was not pretty and I'm sure you have been in a situation where you have done the same.   If you have the opportunity to talk to the person who is ending the relationship, then listen to everything that they say.  In fact, the conversation before and after the break-up will give you the clues you need to know about how things went wrong. 
  • Pleaded: After a week I thought, maybe if I did this, he would come back.  I shouldn't have said that.  So when I talked to him after the break-up, I asked for that magical second chance that we all want.  I would get a no.  If you do not give the person space, that is the answer you will get too.
  • Stalked Online: Yes I am not proud of this, and it turns out that he had been doing the same thing.  However, I would check his myspace, facebook, youtube and blog accounts.  I wanted to know what was up with him, and often.  If you are one of those people, please stop.  You are hurting yourself more.  If you have them still on your social networking accounts, do either one of three things : 1- Delete them as your friend.  Block them if you have to.  It sends a clear signal to both that the breakup is simply that.   2- Hide their status updates if you can't handle removing them as a friend just yet.  3- Deactivate your account.  Even if it's for a few weeks months.    When you are thinking more logically, you can always return and activate the profile if you so wish. 
In the next few posts, I will talk about what you should do to get yourself back to normal, including steps to moving on and how to determine whether you and your ex should reconcile.   By the way, J came back 6 months later asking for another chance, but let's not get ahead of ourselves in the story. 

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